A Beautiful Mess- The Life of a Mom (in reality)

The majority of moms don't like to talk about the negative feelings they have as they enter and live in this "glorious" world of motherhood. Being a stay-at-home mom, I can't empathize with the hard parts of being a working mother and, personally, I prefer to keep it that way. Because home is exactly where I want to be! However, just because I am where I want to be doesn't mean that makes it easy. Not at all. Is it a rewarding and wonderful opportunity? Heck to the yes. But, easy? Can't say that it is.

Reflecting on the beginning of my own journey as a mother, I remember being so happy to finally have my little one in my arms! That feeling has never gone away. I am SO happy to be a mom! But, I also look back and remember struggling. I had a hard time breastfeeding. It just was never easy for us. It's not like I had grown up thinking that was the only way to go when feeding your baby but, as a new mom, I wanted to be able to do that. I wanted to provide that nourishment for her. So, when even with the nipple shield there to help my daughter latch, I couldn't seem to keep her full or happy for more than a little bit at a time...it was emotionally and physically draining. That wasn't how it was supposed to be, ya know? Other moms seemed to just "get it" and feeding in public never seemed awkward for them and feedings wouldn't last for an hour at a time like they did for me and I was just failing. I didn't want to go anywhere because feeding was a pain and lasted forever and my baby would still be fussy if she was awake. Then I remember that appointment, going in to do a normal check-up for my new little one and having her doctor tell me that she hadn't gained as much weight as he had hoped and that I needed to feed her more often. I wanted to cry. My whole day already seemed to be spent on the couch feeding my daughter, hour after hour...and he wanted me to do more than that??? That's when the stress reached its peak! I could almost feel my milk drying up slowly as I stressed about trying to get more milk to come in! I fought this fight up until my daughter was about 3 months old and, though it may have seemed more pronounced just because I was paranoid and stressed, she seemed to be losing weight before my eyes. I could see her little ribs standing out a little more and I just knew that I was not getting enough milk to support her on. I switched her over to formula and it was an instant change! The little person I had known for the first few months of her life had been fussy and would wake up quite a few times in the night and I would spend the whole day just trying to get her to stop crying (not playing and smiling like I always dreamed). This person was different though, suddenly she was happy and slept through the night and wanted to play! No crying all day long...we could GO places and be HAPPY. What?!?! Why had I fought it so long?? Because I didn't want to be seen as lazy or as not giving the best nutrition that I could or just a whole long list of things made me feel like bottle-feeding is bad. Well, let me tell you! Bottle-feeding saved my little girl and saved me! It's amazing and this next time around (I'm about to have my second daughter), I will give it my best go and hope that I can breastfeed because I still want to be able to do that. But, I will not be ashamed or feel guilty if I need to switch and supplement! No one can tell me that I didn't try hard enough. I will always do what's best for my children and now, after going through this experience, I can feel assured that my choices are the best choices for my kids and no one can make me feel otherwise! It's amazing to get to that point. 

But, why did I have to learn in such a hard way? Because, for some reason, moms like to make motherhood harder than it already is! We're all so worried about other peoples' opinions and judgments that we forget to trust our own. I won't make that mistake again. As a mom, I have been given the gift of knowing how to comfort my child, as has every other mother. Maybe for some bigger things, research is required but, after all my research, I always follow my gut feeling and it has served me well!

I also have people telling me that it's dumb that I stick to a schedule with nap times and bed times and everything in between. I'm not like super strict but, I like to have a schedule and so does my daughter! That's what some people don't understand and what I've tried to explain. She LIKES it. She likes knowing the basic layout of her day. As we've transitioned her off of her bottle this last month, she's done so well because she likes her bed time. She'll even tell us "night night" when she gets tired or knows that it's that time! So, it doesn't work when I am told that she'd be fine without her routine and all this stuff. Sure, she'd survive and still get some sleep. But, we just function better having a little outline of our day drawn up. She adjusts well to changes, which I'm grateful for, but my schedule is not going away so, get over it! 

When my daughter got to about 4 months of age, I let her cry it out when I was trying to get her to learn to take naps. She hadn't really taken them regularly before that and we needed to get that figured out. I've never had anyone attack my opinion on this but I know there are many moms who look down on moms who let their kids "cry it out" because the mom is supposed to provide comfort and everything their kid needs. I know that. It was hard when she would cry for those periods of time and I just had to make myself let her calm herself down. That's not an easy thing to do. But, I knew that she needed sleep and she was always happy after waking up and it has never hurt our bond or our relationship. Now, she doesn't cry it out. She did for a while but then she learned that when I put her in there, it's time to go to sleep and I'll be back when she wakes up! We needed those naps in our life, it makes everything just run smoother. This technique isn't for everyone (seriously, it's your own choice!) but, it works for us.

Besides the many topics that are highly disputed (for some reason they really are "disputed" instead of just "discussed") among mothers, there are other things that make being a mom hard. Like, minimal adult socialization. I sometimes go days without seeing another adult besides my husband! Plus, even when he does get home at night, it's not like he wants to talk about crafting with me! He's been around adults, and his brain is now focused on video games or Ayden (our daughter). He's there with me too but, he's not exactly all for discussing different holiday crafts I could do haha I guess it's not exactly his forte :) I don't think this hardship gets discussed enough though. Sometimes, being a mom is lonely. I was doing the dishes the other day and my husband asked me if I was talking to myself. I stopped and said "..yeah, I guess I probably was!" I don't really notice but, thinking about it, I think I do that pretty often. I explained to him that I spend all day not having anyone to talk to so I just talk out loud to myself. It's amazing how much we, as human beings, need that interaction! Sometimes it gets super lonely. I'm not in school anymore where it always seemed easy to find a friend and just hang out with them all the time. I don't have co-workers that are above the age of 1 haha and she doesn't really count as a co-worker! No wonder I gravitate towards Facebook..it's a glimpse of the outside world! People are doing things and maybe in a way commenting on those things makes me feel like a part of it all. I'm not sure but, it would make sense. I post so much about my daughter because she's my life! I post about my crafts and about my pregnancy and how I'm doing because I want to talk about it with someone and feel like I matter!! Even if it's just through a couple comments or likes. Sad, I know. It may also seem silly but, I don't think I'm the only one feeling this way. We moms need friends just like everyone else!

Our whole lives are lived for other people now. I spend all day taking care of my daughter or cleaning the house or running errands and getting groceries so I can make food for my husband and kids every night. Then even after I put Ayden down for bed, it becomes Sam's time! He's been working all day and he wants to play a game or do something like that and he wants me to be there because we haven't seen each other all day. I enjoy that time and I enjoy the time I spend with Ayden during the day! I would hate to lose it. I LOVE my life but, it does become hard. Right now, the only time that can be for me is nap time. Ayden goes to sleep and if I don't have a bunch of chores I need to get done while she's out of the way for a little bit, I get to craft or just relax for a minute! Sometimes I can even take a nap too! I usually don't choose to do that (I'm trying to a little more before the baby comes) because "there's just so much to be done!" But, it is nice to have the option. So, usually I choose to craft! I never used to make things, I never thought I could be creative or actually do any of the stuff I've done in the past year or so. But, now that I have this new ability and desire to make my own decorations and other things, I've become rather attached to it! I'm scared of losing it. When I have this baby, I'm pretty confident that I'll not have nap time anymore. Most likely my kids won't sleep at the same time of the day or something like that and that'll be it for my crafting (it won't be, I'll just have to figure something out so I can keep it)! That thought scares me. I took some time to ponder the reason why and I've realized it's because it's the only thing I do that is just for me. When I make things, I'm just Hannah. I'm not "mom" or "wife" or anything else. I can just be me! Maybe it's because before you have children, life is all about you. Even when you get married and have to share some of your time and all of that, you still get to think about you. As a mom, I don't think about my needs much. My family is who I am now. I can accept that. I love them and am glad to spend my time serving them! But, even moms need to think about themselves sometimes! I grew up with the most selfless mother in the world so my perspective is that living for your family is what a mom does! Even if it is beyond hard sometimes to do all that that entails. So, in writing this stuff, I'm not complaining. I am proud of having the titles of "mom" and "wife." I couldn't be more proud or happy! I am just "simply" admitting that sometimes I need to do things for myself. Sounds obvious enough (everyone needs that, right?) but, I know a lot of moms that would have a hard time admitting that (as I do)! We don't like to sound selfish. Or ungrateful. Or say anything remotely negative about being moms because it truly is the greatest blessing in the world! I know. I don't like to do it either. But, these feelings are not selfish...it's part of being a human. We need a sense of self and we all like to have something that makes us "us." So, if you're feeling like you have no identity, find something that allows you to venture into the many qualities that make you unique and wonderful! You don't have to give up everything to be a mom. You can still have hobbies and likes and adventures of your own! It doesn't make you less of a mom to do that. In fact, it sets a wonderful example for your children. No matter how old you get, talents should be built on and the adventures never have to end! 

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about all of this stuff so much lately. I think that as I've been preparing to bring another beautiful girl into the world (especially so close to the first), I just want to have my attitude about things in order. I want to know what I really believe in and care about and think. I want to define what is important to me so that I can teach my children these things and make it a part of our lives. I want to decide what things I'd like to change or add in our lives. I've realized I want holidays to be fun for my kids! We're gonna do little crafts together or activities that relate to the holidays. I want everyday to be a day that we can do something special or learn something new. I want to let other peoples' opinions roll off of my shoulders instead of dwelling on them and letting them get to me. I want to let the little things go and just enjoy all of the (sometimes chaotic) moments in my children's lives! I want to be there for them in everything. I want to take pictures of everything and laugh at little messes they make as they play instead of worrying about the clean-up! I want to show them the beauty of being alive!! We will play outside, we will get dirty, we will make mistakes and learn from them! We'll all lose it sometimes, and that's ok. I want them to love Jesus and have strong testimonies. I want family to come first, always! I want them to be best friends and understand what that really means! I want a full, messy, crazy wonderful life!

We were sent here by a loving Heavenly Father so that we "might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:27) and I fully intend to be an example of how to have that joy. I know that there will be times where I will lose my cool and mess up and feel like I am failing at everything! Not every day is going to be easy or run smoothly. In fact, most won't. But, every day CAN be beautiful. I'm going to have two kids barely a year apart...I fully expect it to be overwhelming and there are days that I will probably cry as much, or more, than my little babies will haha but, I also fully expect that the time will fly by all too quickly! My beautiful kids are going to be grown before I know it, they only stay little for so long (and it's not long at all)! I don't want to waste that time skulking around feeling bad for myself or getting upset at others because life is just hectic and stressful and messy. Sure it is, but it's a beautiful mess I've gotten myself into :)  

Looking to the Future

When I look to the future and think about what life will be like with a new baby in our lives, I sometimes feel nervous about how much work it will be to have two babies. Ayden will have just turned one and I know that I will definitely have my hands full. I get to worrying about how I'm going to get them to sleep at the same time or how I probably won't get nap times to myself to do the things I need to anymore or how tough going to the store or to church will probably be. There are plenty of things that I could worry about, and sometimes that I do worry about. However, none of that matters.

None of that matters because I'm going to have another little angel to love and care for! What a wonderful gift! My hands may be full, but my heart will be even more full! Ayden has brought so much joy into our lives and I know our little Elysia will just double the joy we have! I know that I will figure it out, I'll have to start from scratch to figure out a new schedule and routine that works for us but, it will all work out. There will be days that nothing goes as planned and that's okay. When I first had Ayden, I felt a little overwhelmed, not sure if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing at all times. But, 11 months later here we are: she's healthy and happy and beyond anything I could have ever hoped for and I feel that I have done my best and it has been and is enough! So, that's how it will be with Elysia :) I will always try to be the best mother I can be and, with the Lord's help and with my husband by my side, it will be enough.

So, yes, I get nervous when I think about the little things that could be rough with another baby around. I wonder if I'll be enough for both my children, will they feel special and loved individually? Will I be good enough at keeping them happy and healthy, meeting all of their needs and making their lives full? I think it's normal and probably a good thing that I'm worried about these things because it means that I care and that I will make sure they each get time with me and feel special. It's okay for me to be nervous, it's not bad to worry. But, what's important is that my excitement and my love for my little babies goes way beyond any worries I have.

I am so excited to meet little Ellie. She's going to be so beautiful and so loved! I can't wait for her and Ayden to get to know each other and become best friends. They will be able to do things together their whole lives and that will be such a blessing for them and for us as parents. I'm so excited to celebrate holidays and just everyday life with my little girls :) I can't wait to see Sam fall in love with Elysia just like he did when he first saw our little Ayden. As I feel my little baby moving inside of me right now, I already feel a semblance of the love I know I'll feel for her when she comes into the world. It grows every day that I think of her and talk to her and it will continue to grow for the rest of forever.

When I look to the future..all I really feel is blessed.

Our Journey With Baby #2

On June 20, 2014 we found out that we were pregnant again!! We knew people were going to think we were crazy to have our first two children so close together but, we didn't care. They thought we were crazy for getting married so quickly, and we never cared because it was right. We knew, and it was the best choice that either of us have ever made. This baby was not an "accident," I don't believe in that sort of thing, we had decided to start semi-trying for our second baby and whenever it happened would be the right time. We didn't know that it would happen only a month later! :) When I saw the positive on the pregnancy test, I brought it out to show Sam and we both just stood there kind of softly chuckling, with incredulous looks on our faces and Ayden looking on wondering why we were so smiley haha I'm sure it was quite the sight :) But, the more I thought about it, the more excited I got! I was so happy!

Exactly a week later, I started having really bad cramps while I was giving Ayden her morning-feeding before laying her back down. I was in a lot of pain and I called my doctor in tears saying that I was spotting a little bit and thought I could be having a miscarriage. She said that it wasn't necessarily a miscarriage. I would know if I started passing clots and it was like a heavy period flow. I went back to the bathroom and kneeled in prayer. I explained to the Lord that I had been so careful since finding out I was pregnant, we couldn't even go on a semi-intermediate hike one Saturday because I didn't want to risk it. So, I pleaded with the Lord to not let it be a miscarriage because I really wanted that baby, I would do anything to keep it! Finally, towards the end of my prayer, I added a plea for strength to get through it if it was a miscarriage...After trying to calm myself down, I went back to my room and laid down. I didn't want to wake Sam for no reason, so I wiped the tears away and went to sleep. 

When I woke up an hour or so later, I felt like I needed to hurry to the bathroom. I got up and could feel the blood starting to come..."No no no no no no no" was all I could say as I rushed into the bathroom...it was very painful and I had passed quite a few clots and lots of blood. I just sat there, numb, sobbing, not knowing what to do next. My little Ayden was asleep in her swing out in the front room and Sam was doing homework downstairs..I mustered the strength to get up and go tell Sam what had happened. When I got down to the office, for a while all I could do was stand in the doorway crying, I didn't know what to say. Sam started freaking out, wondering what was wrong with me. Finally, I said, "our baby's gone..." To make things worse, he started jumping up and down, crying, thinking I was talking about Ayden! I quickly reassured him that she was fine. But, then, I had to think about how horrible it would be to lose her too! It was not good. Sam asked what he could do to help and I couldn't think of anything, I felt empty. Ayden was waking up so he went to get her and I went back to the bathroom...to say goodbye to my baby...it took me a very long time. Sam asked if I wanted him to flush it for me and I couldn't let him do that, it needed to be me, I needed to let go. I prayed a lot more for more strength and asked Heavenly Father to let my baby know that I really (REALLY) wanted it and that I would miss it SO much...with that, I flushed the toilet and said goodbye. It hurt so bad. I just kept thinking, "There's no way a baby could have survived that..."

Sam stayed home with me and we went to breakfast after I got some time to mourn a little bit. I was very lucky to have him and Ayden with me that day. Ayden was all smiles and she made it so I could get through it without breaking down every couple of minutes. Having to think about losing her made me so grateful for the blessings I have, at least I had my little Bug. I was in a lot of pain so Sam did most the Ayden-work that day and it helped so much, we just spent the day together as a family, it was perfect. In time, I felt that strength I had pleaded for being given to me. The Lord bolstered me up in this challenge so much and I wouldn't have been able to handle it without Him. With Him and Sam helping me, I got to feel like maybe I hadn't lost the baby for good. That maybe, the body that was being made just wasn't right so it wanted to wait until next time to come back to me. I guess I won't be sure until I go to Heaven and ask about it, but it helped. 

A few weeks later, I was finally done with the bleeding and the pains and all the discomforts I had been struggling with since the miscarriage. But, I had passed out and had been feeling dizzy and nauseous for a little while since. We hadn't really told many people about the miscarriage. Just our parents and my sister (and then my older brothers came out wondering why I was crying and I kinda had to tell them to). We just didn't want it to be a big thing because we hadn't even gotten to announce the baby before it was gone. I didn't feel like talking about it much...Finally, with all the weird feelings I was having, I was convinced to go to my doctor and get an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an infection, and just find out what was going on. The morning Sam left for Scout Camp, I went in with my little Ayden. A nice nurse offered to take Ayden out to the foyer to play so I could relax and get all of this taken care of. My doctor pulled up the ultrasound and said, "It's just like I thought, you're still pregnant!" What??? I had her say it many times and explain to me how this could have happened. I had spent 3 weeks grieving my baby and now she's saying I'm still pregnant?! She estimated that I was about 9 weeks along now and she reassured me over and over again that the baby was completely fine. She said it could have just been some normal bleeding due to some stuff that could have happened during conception (highly doubt that) or I had twins and one didn't make it (if she had gone through the pain I had gone through, she would have thought that the more likely scenario as well). She showed me that there was even still a bit of blood in one part of my uterus that I could be seeing later, and that it was separate from this baby, it wasn't affected at all by it. I couldn't believe it! We were still pregnant! Of course, Sam had to have gone to camp that very morning and missed the news, he wouldn't find out until Saturday (it was Monday that I found out)! I left him a message telling him. I spent all day trying to understand this turn of events. I had a little miracle baby growing inside of me, safe and sound, perfect as can be.

Since then, I've had many times where I've freaked myself out, thinking I was going to lose this baby too. But, every time we go to the doctor, she says the baby's just perfect. Every time I hear or see the heartbeat, I can feel a huge weight lifted off of me as relief and joy spreads through my whole body. I am so grateful for my little one and for the fact that I can now feel her moving around inside of me consistently enough that I can't freak myself out too much (though there's always a little fear before every appointment now, I don't think that will go away)! Our little girl is due February 12, 2015. Just, 14 months apart from Ayden! That's gonna be a little crazy but they're gonna (hopefully) be such close friends all their lives!! :) I am so blessed. I can already tell that this little girl is very special, and not just because I'm biased as her mom ;) I can already feel my heart expanding with the love I feel for my miracle baby. I cannot wait to meet this angel the Lord preserved for us! 

I thank the Lord everyday that I feel her push against me as if to say "Hi mommy, I'm okay," and every appointment that I get to hear her heartbeat or see her perfect little body in my tummy. My Savior never left me, when I thought I had lost everything, He was there to pick me up again and help me through each day. When I came back to Him, thanking Him for giving us another chance, He was there and it felt like He gave me a big hug. Every time I get myself worked up thinking maybe I feel too normal for me to still be pregnant and that it must be over, He's there, reassuring and comforting and warm. I know that when I finally get to meet my little miracle baby, He will be there, stronger than ever, congratulating me along with the rest of my family and reminding me how lucky I am to have these little angels in my life. That is something I will never forget. Something I cannot forget. For the rest of eternity, I will be grateful and I will not forget. 

In My Daughter's Eyes

I was singing the song, "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride the other day and thinking about how much different it means to me now that I have a daughter. I was thinking how true it all is, my daughter sees me in a whole different light than I see myself in!

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

This is how I have always seen my own mother. She has the answer to everything, she knows everything and she's definitely strong and wise! My sister and I have talked about how it's so strange to be mothers because we feel like we're still kids just trying to find our own way in this big world. It's crazy that now I am this person for someone. My daughter sees me as the one who is always there with knowledge and strength to lend at all times. But, in my eyes, she's my hero. Her coming to me has saved me in so many ways, changed me in so many ways, If I'm strong, I'm strong for her. If I'm wise, I'm wise for her. 

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe 
In my daughter's eyes

My daughter has come into this world not knowing the issues people form amongst themselves. She looks at me and doesn't care if I have makeup on or if I'm dressed for the day, she looks at others and sees no flaws. She sees no fault and cares not for mine. She teaches me to look at others with kindness, turning what could be bad, into good. She gives me hope and strength when I become weary of this world. She makes me believe in good. She loves without conditions, all she cares about is that I'm there doing my best by her! I will always do my best by her.

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

My daughter has shown me how life should be. I find myself caring about the little things more and letting things slide more often. I forgive and forget because life is short and I want to spend that time as happy as I can be. Her smiles are addicting and all I have to do to get them are smile in return. All she needs from me is love, and some food :P My heart is full of joy around her, I know that family is the most important thing we have on this earth and no time should be wasted holding grudges and picking fights. 

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

I want to be a better person for this little girl God gave to me. I will be, for her. I want to be the example she deserves, so she can know how to raise her own family, with the love and standards we have in our own home. I love seeing the world through her eyes, new and exciting with so much to offer. Being an adult comes with seeing the world through tired eyes..tired of the bad, tired of hearing the complaints and the issues, tired of it all. But, my daughter shows me the good. She shows me what Heavenly Father meant this world to be..beautiful, full of miracles. My life has changed so much because of my little angel and I will never go back. 

I love my daughter more than anything! She teaches me daily to be better and to see the world in a better light. I love the person I am because of her and the person that she's going to grow into. She is amazing without even trying and she shows me that I'm amazing too. That I don't need to be the best at playing the piano or be the best at cooking or whatever else to earn her love. She gives it without question as I give mine to her. There is so much I never understood before I looked through my daughter's eyes.

Married at 19, Mom at 20

Recently I read a blog post about a girl who had gotten married at 19 and she said a lot of good stuff about how she didn't regret it even though a lot of people were against the idea of marrying so young. After reading it I thought, "I was 19 when I got married..and though a lot of people thought I was crazy, I knew what was right for me and I haven't regretted the decision for a moment!" So here's my story of my teen wedding :)

After my second semester at BYU-Hawaii, I felt strongly that I was done and that I needed to move back to Utah, not to return to school. I didn't know the reason, so I started planning an adventure to Italy. I had always loved to travel and I didn't have much else going on so I thought "what the heck?" About a week and a half after I got back from Hawaii, I met a wonderful, fantastic, handsome man named Samuel Bartholomew. I felt right from the beginning that I was going to marry him and Italy no longer played a part in my plans. We were engaged about two weeks after meeting, and exactly a month after getting back from Hawaii, on my 19th birthday!

When I announced my engagement, I had many people tell me I was crazy and raise their eyebrows, saying that I didn't know what I was getting myself in to. My dad, in particular, thought I was nuts :) He had been married at the same age, my mom was seventeen, and I'm sure he thought I was giving up so much to get married so young. But, he was supportive when I expressed how sure I was of Sam. I heard the advice of everyone and I got what they were saying but, I knew I was doing the right thing for me and for my future family! When I had prayed about Sam, I got such an indescribable and irrefutable feeling of surety! That feeling has never been swayed, not for a second!

Ever since making the choice to be with Sam throughout all eternity, all the things in our lives have seemed to fall into place. Soon after getting engaged, my wedding dress, our car and our house practically fell into our laps! The wedding plans went smoothly and we were so in love! We had great support from our families and friends. We had many adventures and got to know each other better, enjoying every minute of it. We loved each others' families, we had similar ideals about the way we wanted to raise our children, and we found joy in each others' company. We had an amazing wedding day, a wonderful honeymoon and moved into our home shortly after returning! We got our puppy, Meeko, who we love and we are excited for her to enrich our children's childhoods. We got chickens and tended our yard together, enjoyed holidays, complained about work and school, all the things living a full life entails. Even through the struggles we've had since being married, we have made a great team, both being more concerned for the others' well-being than for our own. That is the way I always imagined marriage to be. A spouse should be constantly striving to please and help the other, giving and taking in equal measure. I had always heard that the first year of marriage was the hardest and while there were definite tough spots along the way, the attitude with which we faced our companionship got us through unscathed and closer than ever! We are the best of friends and our relationship will always come first and foremost!

About half a year after we were married, we found out we were pregnant! Right around my 20th birthday actually, the irony was noted, my birthdays with Sam have always been awesome :P We had been trying for a while, actually since after a month after being married haha seems crazy to want a family so soon but we were excited to begin! It was okay that it took time though, we enjoyed being a twosome during that time. My pregnancy was pretty rough for the first little bit and got better over time, the last month being the hardest physically. I had great support in Sam and we enjoyed looking to our future of being parents. We wondered what our sweet girl would look like and talked about the fun adventures we would take her on as a family. We couldn't wait!! On December 13th (about a month before her due date) our little Bug came into the world with a bang! I had been having cramps for a few days prior and then the night of the 13th I discovered I was bleeding a lot! So we rushed to the hospital, the decision to take her out was made and twenty minutes later via C-Section, there was my angel, perfect and healthy at 6 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long :) She was meant to come at the time, I know it. All the doctors were amazed at how great she looked at 4 weeks early, calling her a "miracle baby!" The Lord prepared her to come early and we've been blessed to have her in our family! She is an amazing and beautiful little angel from our Heavenly Father and I am so grateful that He decided to bless us with such a gift! I love my life, I love being a mom!!

So, though many people would hear the age at which I became a wife and a mother and think that I was nuts and that I gave up so much time to be just me, I don't see it that way. I had my adventure out in Hawaii and I had felt right about going there and I had felt right about coming back home. I know the Lord sent me out there to get my fill of alone time and meet many great friends and that He sent me home to meet my husband and start my beautiful family! Every day I get signs that I made the right choice..in the sweet way Sam holds me and loves me in the comfort of our wonderful home. I feel it when I hold my little Ayden and rock her to sleep. I feel it every time I go to bed with Sam by my side and every time I wake up to help my daughter eat and drift to sleep once more. My life has been blessed beyond any design I had in mind and I know that I was brought to this point for a reason. I know some people will tell horror stories of their teen weddings, and maybe it didn't work for them and maybe they should have waited to be sure of themselves..but, I know that Sam was, and always will be, right for me.

A Change of Plans

When my sister became a mom, I watched her bottle feed her daughters and I never had much thought about breastfeeding. When I became a mom, that changed as the desire to be my baby's life source grew within me. It was my responsibility, my desire to be the one who gave her the nutrients she needed to grow and become strong! I enjoyed the feeling of being the only one who could give her what she needed. Anytime my husband would offer to feed her formula to give me a bit more sleep, the kind offer would be declined. What's a little exhaustion when it's up against my role as a mother, a role I hold dearer than any?

Recently, these ideals have been challenged. At Ayden's 2 months doctor's appointment, her pediatrician voiced some concern about her weight. She had only gained half a pound in the month since the last visit and it wasn't as much as he had hoped for. After that, I became stressed about how often he wanted me to feed her. I felt like I was failing and that I somehow was not doing what I needed to do as a mother. I hadn't thought there was a problem with her weight, but what did I know? A little after that, I felt a change in the amount of milk I was producing. I could feel that it wasn't coming in as often, or maybe my paranoia and stress about it made it decrease, who knows? But, as the days went on, I was becoming increasingly stressed about her weight. She kept looking skinnier and skinnier and I felt horrible. I hadn't changed our feeding schedule that drastically..I had even increased the demands a little as I tried to reach the bar the doctor had set. I puzzled over the issue, I had pumped a few times to store up for a weekend event I went to..could that be the problem? I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong but, despite my best efforts, I was beginning to dry up.

Eventually, I decided to add a bottle of formula every night, the feeding before the bedtime feeding. It seemed to help a bit. After a week or so of doing that, I decided to give her a couple ounces after breastfeeding her for an hour or so (that's about how long all of our feedings had been) to see if I had given her enough, I knew she wouldn't eat much more if she had been filled up by me. Well..she drained it without hesitation..part of me felt devastated and the other part felt relieved as I noticed a change in her behavior after being full for the (apparently) first time in a while. After that, I gave in to the need for formula.

It's been about a week of giving her formula for the majority of her feedings. To be honest, once I started, it was hard to not be relieved. Not that I didn't miss being enough for her..that still hurts every day..but, I could finally see how much food she was getting! I could never tell when I pumped because I was pretty sure she got more than that. I could see that she was full and what's more, happy! I started to think that maybe she had never been a fussy baby at all (she had cried quite often the months previous), maybe she was just a really really good baby who handled starvation well. Maybe that's extreme, I don't believe that I starved her, but I do believe that I could not produce enough to truly fill her. When I thought of that, I felt guilty and sickened at the thought that her distress was my fault..I'm her mom..how could I not have known? Well, I'll tell you, I tried so hard to fill her up! Our feedings would go for over an hour per time, I tried to feed her every couple of hours, any time I could feel that I had some milk in me. I would drain myself of all my energy and then hurry to scarf down some food so I could keep on trying! It was exhausting and stressful, never knowing if she was actually full..while being pretty sure that she wasn't.

With this new diet though, she's happy! Maybe she just outgrew the fussy stage, but the change was a little too coincidental for me to believe that. Though I am still a little disappointed, it's hard not to be, that I was unable to produce enough milk, I would not trade her smiles to give me a feeling of fulfillment. Because, I do feel like I am fulfilling my role as a mom still. The role of a mom is to take care of their children and keep them happy and healthy, by any means necessary. It doesn't matter how I keep my daughter happy, the fact is..she's happy! Who cares if it's because of formula and not breast milk? I thought I would care more, but I find that because of the supplementation, Ayden and I both find more joy in our days together! I don't have to spend endless hours trying to calm her and trying to force my body to give just a little more! Instead, I can be with her, really be with her. We get to enjoy each other's company, smiling and playing, and when she cries, I know it's because she really is hungry again and now that need can be easy quenched and then we can go back to playing! I can leave my house to enjoy the outside world with her because I'm not worried about how many times I'm gonna have to sit for an hour to feed her, I don't have to worry about her crying the whole time. We can go out without her battling her tears through the pain of hunger. I don't have to worry that I'm not giving her enough because I can see it! Now everyone can see her for the wonderful little girl she truly is, she's allowed to shine through because all of her needs are met! She's happy and I'm happy! :)

 

What a Wonderful Weekend!

This past weekend was busy and crazy and awesome!

First, on Friday (the 28th of February) Sam and I had Necia and Joe babysit Ayden for a couple hours while we went to Applebee's for dinner. Sam's boss, Chad, had given us a gift card before we had Ayden so that we could go out for a date night and get away from the house together. It was so nice of them to think of us! I haven't been to Applebee's much so it was kind of a new experience and I got to try out new food with Sam. I got the Citrus Lime Sirloin and Sam got Chicken Penne. My food had a real kick to it and Sam loved it so much that it kind of ruined his dinner for him :P Then we went to the mall after a lovely dinner and got my ring sent off to be dipped. It really needs it! We went and looked at the LoveSacs and realized what a great deal we got on the one Sam bought off of a friend. The bean bags there are like 800 dollars and we got ours for $150! Authentic LoveSac and all! We got it just in time for what we were going to be doing on Saturday!

So, Saturday, Sam and I hosted his second video game party with family and friends. The last one we had was back in November before we had Ayden so, this one went a bit differently. I had gone to the store for a little while Sam waited for everyone to show up. I wanted to print off pictures of our California and Bahamas trips for our picture books we bought. I thought it would be fun to have in case people on Sunday wanted to take a look at some of our adventures. It was fun to see those pictures again and relive those wonderful trips I got to take with my husband and our families! I finally got back and we started the party up. We had a lot of fun and Ayden was very interested in what all the fuss was about ;) At 8 o'clock I put Ayden to bed and it was kind of stressful with them down there because our ventilation system makes sound travel really well and they were right beneath us! Eventually I got her to sleep though and somehow, miraculously, she stayed asleep for a little while :) I had made treats for the boys a couple days earlier (too busy to do it the day of)! I made 7-layer dip, rice krispie treats and brownies, I also bought skittles and sour patch kids and we had some soda for them to drink, there was a good deal on the good quality frozen pizza so I bought a few of those! They devoured pretty much all of it! That's the part of parties that I like, I like to make treats and contribute in that way. Sam likes the actual hosting of the party, whereas that part is kind of stressful for me because I have to clean and I always want things to go so well! But, we had fun! They all spent the night for what we were going to do on Sunday!

Sunday was Ayden's baby blessing! Thankfully, pretty much everything for the lunch was being made by volunteers! My mom came over early to help me clean and set stuff up. They had actually thought our church was at 9 o'clock instead of 11 but I still give her credit :) I guess the Lord knew I needed the help! I had made banana bread and gotten all the ham and cheese ready for the rolls Necia had made to put them on. We got to the church and Sam gave a wonderful blessing to Ayden! He wrote a blog about it but basically he blessed her to know how much we love her, to have faith, to make good choices, and to be close to our Heavenly Father. After the blessing I stood in the back of the chapel while Sam gave his testimony and then we switched off and I bore mine. I told everyone how long I had waited to become a mother and how I hope to do the best job possible for my kids. It was a dream come true to see my little girl up there in the circle of the men in the family being blessed into the church. I sure do love her! Afterwards, we all walked back over to my house and the lunch went off without a hitch! Thanks to my mom, my sister Necia and all those that had brought things! We had everything: chips, 3 different kinds of salads, a vegetable tray, some grapes, lemonade, a sprite-y drink, the rolls and ham and cheese, and 4 different desserts! Nice variety and it was delicious! Grandma Bartholomew was kind enough to hold Ayden and keep her happy so I could eat and enjoy the lunch and conversation. Then I fed Ayden just enough to get us through some family pictures! Unfortunately, by that time some people had left so not everyone is included in the pictures. But, it was fun to make those memories and get pictures with those who came to support us! It was a wonderful turnout and someday Ayden will be able to look at the pictures and see how loved she is :) My parents, Johnevan and Necia's family stayed after everyone else had cleared out and we made dinner and talked and laughed together until Ayden's bedtime. It was a great way to end the weekend :)

It was a great and busy weekend full of laughs and family. I loved having everyone with us in our home celebrating Ayden's life and what it means to be family. I'll never forget the way my daughter looked on her big day or how great her daddy did in blessing her. She is a joy and we are very blessed to have her in our family! I am very blessed to be made a mother by such a wonderful little person!