Exactly a week later, I started having really bad cramps while I was giving Ayden her morning-feeding before laying her back down. I was in a lot of pain and I called my doctor in tears saying that I was spotting a little bit and thought I could be having a miscarriage. She said that it wasn't necessarily a miscarriage. I would know if I started passing clots and it was like a heavy period flow. I went back to the bathroom and kneeled in prayer. I explained to the Lord that I had been so careful since finding out I was pregnant, we couldn't even go on a semi-intermediate hike one Saturday because I didn't want to risk it. So, I pleaded with the Lord to not let it be a miscarriage because I really wanted that baby, I would do anything to keep it! Finally, towards the end of my prayer, I added a plea for strength to get through it if it was a miscarriage...After trying to calm myself down, I went back to my room and laid down. I didn't want to wake Sam for no reason, so I wiped the tears away and went to sleep.
When I woke up an hour or so later, I felt like I needed to hurry to the bathroom. I got up and could feel the blood starting to come..."No no no no no no no" was all I could say as I rushed into the bathroom...it was very painful and I had passed quite a few clots and lots of blood. I just sat there, numb, sobbing, not knowing what to do next. My little Ayden was asleep in her swing out in the front room and Sam was doing homework downstairs..I mustered the strength to get up and go tell Sam what had happened. When I got down to the office, for a while all I could do was stand in the doorway crying, I didn't know what to say. Sam started freaking out, wondering what was wrong with me. Finally, I said, "our baby's gone..." To make things worse, he started jumping up and down, crying, thinking I was talking about Ayden! I quickly reassured him that she was fine. But, then, I had to think about how horrible it would be to lose her too! It was not good. Sam asked what he could do to help and I couldn't think of anything, I felt empty. Ayden was waking up so he went to get her and I went back to the bathroom...to say goodbye to my baby...it took me a very long time. Sam asked if I wanted him to flush it for me and I couldn't let him do that, it needed to be me, I needed to let go. I prayed a lot more for more strength and asked Heavenly Father to let my baby know that I really (REALLY) wanted it and that I would miss it SO much...with that, I flushed the toilet and said goodbye. It hurt so bad. I just kept thinking, "There's no way a baby could have survived that..."
Sam stayed home with me and we went to breakfast after I got some time to mourn a little bit. I was very lucky to have him and Ayden with me that day. Ayden was all smiles and she made it so I could get through it without breaking down every couple of minutes. Having to think about losing her made me so grateful for the blessings I have, at least I had my little Bug. I was in a lot of pain so Sam did most the Ayden-work that day and it helped so much, we just spent the day together as a family, it was perfect. In time, I felt that strength I had pleaded for being given to me. The Lord bolstered me up in this challenge so much and I wouldn't have been able to handle it without Him. With Him and Sam helping me, I got to feel like maybe I hadn't lost the baby for good. That maybe, the body that was being made just wasn't right so it wanted to wait until next time to come back to me. I guess I won't be sure until I go to Heaven and ask about it, but it helped.
A few weeks later, I was finally done with the bleeding and the pains and all the discomforts I had been struggling with since the miscarriage. But, I had passed out and had been feeling dizzy and nauseous for a little while since. We hadn't really told many people about the miscarriage. Just our parents and my sister (and then my older brothers came out wondering why I was crying and I kinda had to tell them to). We just didn't want it to be a big thing because we hadn't even gotten to announce the baby before it was gone. I didn't feel like talking about it much...Finally, with all the weird feelings I was having, I was convinced to go to my doctor and get an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an infection, and just find out what was going on. The morning Sam left for Scout Camp, I went in with my little Ayden. A nice nurse offered to take Ayden out to the foyer to play so I could relax and get all of this taken care of. My doctor pulled up the ultrasound and said, "It's just like I thought, you're still pregnant!" What??? I had her say it many times and explain to me how this could have happened. I had spent 3 weeks grieving my baby and now she's saying I'm still pregnant?! She estimated that I was about 9 weeks along now and she reassured me over and over again that the baby was completely fine. She said it could have just been some normal bleeding due to some stuff that could have happened during conception (highly doubt that) or I had twins and one didn't make it (if she had gone through the pain I had gone through, she would have thought that the more likely scenario as well). She showed me that there was even still a bit of blood in one part of my uterus that I could be seeing later, and that it was separate from this baby, it wasn't affected at all by it. I couldn't believe it! We were still pregnant! Of course, Sam had to have gone to camp that very morning and missed the news, he wouldn't find out until Saturday (it was Monday that I found out)! I left him a message telling him. I spent all day trying to understand this turn of events. I had a little miracle baby growing inside of me, safe and sound, perfect as can be.
Since then, I've had many times where I've freaked myself out, thinking I was going to lose this baby too. But, every time we go to the doctor, she says the baby's just perfect. Every time I hear or see the heartbeat, I can feel a huge weight lifted off of me as relief and joy spreads through my whole body. I am so grateful for my little one and for the fact that I can now feel her moving around inside of me consistently enough that I can't freak myself out too much (though there's always a little fear before every appointment now, I don't think that will go away)! Our little girl is due February 12, 2015. Just, 14 months apart from Ayden! That's gonna be a little crazy but they're gonna (hopefully) be such close friends all their lives!! :) I am so blessed. I can already tell that this little girl is very special, and not just because I'm biased as her mom ;) I can already feel my heart expanding with the love I feel for my miracle baby. I cannot wait to meet this angel the Lord preserved for us!
I thank the Lord everyday that I feel her push against me as if to say "Hi mommy, I'm okay," and every appointment that I get to hear her heartbeat or see her perfect little body in my tummy. My Savior never left me, when I thought I had lost everything, He was there to pick me up again and help me through each day. When I came back to Him, thanking Him for giving us another chance, He was there and it felt like He gave me a big hug. Every time I get myself worked up thinking maybe I feel too normal for me to still be pregnant and that it must be over, He's there, reassuring and comforting and warm. I know that when I finally get to meet my little miracle baby, He will be there, stronger than ever, congratulating me along with the rest of my family and reminding me how lucky I am to have these little angels in my life. That is something I will never forget. Something I cannot forget. For the rest of eternity, I will be grateful and I will not forget.
