A Change of Plans

When my sister became a mom, I watched her bottle feed her daughters and I never had much thought about breastfeeding. When I became a mom, that changed as the desire to be my baby's life source grew within me. It was my responsibility, my desire to be the one who gave her the nutrients she needed to grow and become strong! I enjoyed the feeling of being the only one who could give her what she needed. Anytime my husband would offer to feed her formula to give me a bit more sleep, the kind offer would be declined. What's a little exhaustion when it's up against my role as a mother, a role I hold dearer than any?

Recently, these ideals have been challenged. At Ayden's 2 months doctor's appointment, her pediatrician voiced some concern about her weight. She had only gained half a pound in the month since the last visit and it wasn't as much as he had hoped for. After that, I became stressed about how often he wanted me to feed her. I felt like I was failing and that I somehow was not doing what I needed to do as a mother. I hadn't thought there was a problem with her weight, but what did I know? A little after that, I felt a change in the amount of milk I was producing. I could feel that it wasn't coming in as often, or maybe my paranoia and stress about it made it decrease, who knows? But, as the days went on, I was becoming increasingly stressed about her weight. She kept looking skinnier and skinnier and I felt horrible. I hadn't changed our feeding schedule that drastically..I had even increased the demands a little as I tried to reach the bar the doctor had set. I puzzled over the issue, I had pumped a few times to store up for a weekend event I went to..could that be the problem? I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong but, despite my best efforts, I was beginning to dry up.

Eventually, I decided to add a bottle of formula every night, the feeding before the bedtime feeding. It seemed to help a bit. After a week or so of doing that, I decided to give her a couple ounces after breastfeeding her for an hour or so (that's about how long all of our feedings had been) to see if I had given her enough, I knew she wouldn't eat much more if she had been filled up by me. Well..she drained it without hesitation..part of me felt devastated and the other part felt relieved as I noticed a change in her behavior after being full for the (apparently) first time in a while. After that, I gave in to the need for formula.

It's been about a week of giving her formula for the majority of her feedings. To be honest, once I started, it was hard to not be relieved. Not that I didn't miss being enough for her..that still hurts every day..but, I could finally see how much food she was getting! I could never tell when I pumped because I was pretty sure she got more than that. I could see that she was full and what's more, happy! I started to think that maybe she had never been a fussy baby at all (she had cried quite often the months previous), maybe she was just a really really good baby who handled starvation well. Maybe that's extreme, I don't believe that I starved her, but I do believe that I could not produce enough to truly fill her. When I thought of that, I felt guilty and sickened at the thought that her distress was my fault..I'm her mom..how could I not have known? Well, I'll tell you, I tried so hard to fill her up! Our feedings would go for over an hour per time, I tried to feed her every couple of hours, any time I could feel that I had some milk in me. I would drain myself of all my energy and then hurry to scarf down some food so I could keep on trying! It was exhausting and stressful, never knowing if she was actually full..while being pretty sure that she wasn't.

With this new diet though, she's happy! Maybe she just outgrew the fussy stage, but the change was a little too coincidental for me to believe that. Though I am still a little disappointed, it's hard not to be, that I was unable to produce enough milk, I would not trade her smiles to give me a feeling of fulfillment. Because, I do feel like I am fulfilling my role as a mom still. The role of a mom is to take care of their children and keep them happy and healthy, by any means necessary. It doesn't matter how I keep my daughter happy, the fact is..she's happy! Who cares if it's because of formula and not breast milk? I thought I would care more, but I find that because of the supplementation, Ayden and I both find more joy in our days together! I don't have to spend endless hours trying to calm her and trying to force my body to give just a little more! Instead, I can be with her, really be with her. We get to enjoy each other's company, smiling and playing, and when she cries, I know it's because she really is hungry again and now that need can be easy quenched and then we can go back to playing! I can leave my house to enjoy the outside world with her because I'm not worried about how many times I'm gonna have to sit for an hour to feed her, I don't have to worry about her crying the whole time. We can go out without her battling her tears through the pain of hunger. I don't have to worry that I'm not giving her enough because I can see it! Now everyone can see her for the wonderful little girl she truly is, she's allowed to shine through because all of her needs are met! She's happy and I'm happy! :)