Reflecting on the beginning of my own journey as a mother, I remember being so happy to finally have my little one in my arms! That feeling has never gone away. I am SO happy to be a mom! But, I also look back and remember struggling. I had a hard time breastfeeding. It just was never easy for us. It's not like I had grown up thinking that was the only way to go when feeding your baby but, as a new mom, I wanted to be able to do that. I wanted to provide that nourishment for her. So, when even with the nipple shield there to help my daughter latch, I couldn't seem to keep her full or happy for more than a little bit at a time...it was emotionally and physically draining. That wasn't how it was supposed to be, ya know? Other moms seemed to just "get it" and feeding in public never seemed awkward for them and feedings wouldn't last for an hour at a time like they did for me and I was just failing. I didn't want to go anywhere because feeding was a pain and lasted forever and my baby would still be fussy if she was awake. Then I remember that appointment, going in to do a normal check-up for my new little one and having her doctor tell me that she hadn't gained as much weight as he had hoped and that I needed to feed her more often. I wanted to cry. My whole day already seemed to be spent on the couch feeding my daughter, hour after hour...and he wanted me to do more than that??? That's when the stress reached its peak! I could almost feel my milk drying up slowly as I stressed about trying to get more milk to come in! I fought this fight up until my daughter was about 3 months old and, though it may have seemed more pronounced just because I was paranoid and stressed, she seemed to be losing weight before my eyes. I could see her little ribs standing out a little more and I just knew that I was not getting enough milk to support her on. I switched her over to formula and it was an instant change! The little person I had known for the first few months of her life had been fussy and would wake up quite a few times in the night and I would spend the whole day just trying to get her to stop crying (not playing and smiling like I always dreamed). This person was different though, suddenly she was happy and slept through the night and wanted to play! No crying all day long...we could GO places and be HAPPY. What?!?! Why had I fought it so long?? Because I didn't want to be seen as lazy or as not giving the best nutrition that I could or just a whole long list of things made me feel like bottle-feeding is bad. Well, let me tell you! Bottle-feeding saved my little girl and saved me! It's amazing and this next time around (I'm about to have my second daughter), I will give it my best go and hope that I can breastfeed because I still want to be able to do that. But, I will not be ashamed or feel guilty if I need to switch and supplement! No one can tell me that I didn't try hard enough. I will always do what's best for my children and now, after going through this experience, I can feel assured that my choices are the best choices for my kids and no one can make me feel otherwise! It's amazing to get to that point.
But, why did I have to learn in such a hard way? Because, for some reason, moms like to make motherhood harder than it already is! We're all so worried about other peoples' opinions and judgments that we forget to trust our own. I won't make that mistake again. As a mom, I have been given the gift of knowing how to comfort my child, as has every other mother. Maybe for some bigger things, research is required but, after all my research, I always follow my gut feeling and it has served me well!
I also have people telling me that it's dumb that I stick to a schedule with nap times and bed times and everything in between. I'm not like super strict but, I like to have a schedule and so does my daughter! That's what some people don't understand and what I've tried to explain. She LIKES it. She likes knowing the basic layout of her day. As we've transitioned her off of her bottle this last month, she's done so well because she likes her bed time. She'll even tell us "night night" when she gets tired or knows that it's that time! So, it doesn't work when I am told that she'd be fine without her routine and all this stuff. Sure, she'd survive and still get some sleep. But, we just function better having a little outline of our day drawn up. She adjusts well to changes, which I'm grateful for, but my schedule is not going away so, get over it!
When my daughter got to about 4 months of age, I let her cry it out when I was trying to get her to learn to take naps. She hadn't really taken them regularly before that and we needed to get that figured out. I've never had anyone attack my opinion on this but I know there are many moms who look down on moms who let their kids "cry it out" because the mom is supposed to provide comfort and everything their kid needs. I know that. It was hard when she would cry for those periods of time and I just had to make myself let her calm herself down. That's not an easy thing to do. But, I knew that she needed sleep and she was always happy after waking up and it has never hurt our bond or our relationship. Now, she doesn't cry it out. She did for a while but then she learned that when I put her in there, it's time to go to sleep and I'll be back when she wakes up! We needed those naps in our life, it makes everything just run smoother. This technique isn't for everyone (seriously, it's your own choice!) but, it works for us.
Besides the many topics that are highly disputed (for some reason they really are "disputed" instead of just "discussed") among mothers, there are other things that make being a mom hard. Like, minimal adult socialization. I sometimes go days without seeing another adult besides my husband! Plus, even when he does get home at night, it's not like he wants to talk about crafting with me! He's been around adults, and his brain is now focused on video games or Ayden (our daughter). He's there with me too but, he's not exactly all for discussing different holiday crafts I could do haha I guess it's not exactly his forte :) I don't think this hardship gets discussed enough though. Sometimes, being a mom is lonely. I was doing the dishes the other day and my husband asked me if I was talking to myself. I stopped and said "..yeah, I guess I probably was!" I don't really notice but, thinking about it, I think I do that pretty often. I explained to him that I spend all day not having anyone to talk to so I just talk out loud to myself. It's amazing how much we, as human beings, need that interaction! Sometimes it gets super lonely. I'm not in school anymore where it always seemed easy to find a friend and just hang out with them all the time. I don't have co-workers that are above the age of 1 haha and she doesn't really count as a co-worker! No wonder I gravitate towards Facebook..it's a glimpse of the outside world! People are doing things and maybe in a way commenting on those things makes me feel like a part of it all. I'm not sure but, it would make sense. I post so much about my daughter because she's my life! I post about my crafts and about my pregnancy and how I'm doing because I want to talk about it with someone and feel like I matter!! Even if it's just through a couple comments or likes. Sad, I know. It may also seem silly but, I don't think I'm the only one feeling this way. We moms need friends just like everyone else!
Our whole lives are lived for other people now. I spend all day taking care of my daughter or cleaning the house or running errands and getting groceries so I can make food for my husband and kids every night. Then even after I put Ayden down for bed, it becomes Sam's time! He's been working all day and he wants to play a game or do something like that and he wants me to be there because we haven't seen each other all day. I enjoy that time and I enjoy the time I spend with Ayden during the day! I would hate to lose it. I LOVE my life but, it does become hard. Right now, the only time that can be for me is nap time. Ayden goes to sleep and if I don't have a bunch of chores I need to get done while she's out of the way for a little bit, I get to craft or just relax for a minute! Sometimes I can even take a nap too! I usually don't choose to do that (I'm trying to a little more before the baby comes) because "there's just so much to be done!" But, it is nice to have the option. So, usually I choose to craft! I never used to make things, I never thought I could be creative or actually do any of the stuff I've done in the past year or so. But, now that I have this new ability and desire to make my own decorations and other things, I've become rather attached to it! I'm scared of losing it. When I have this baby, I'm pretty confident that I'll not have nap time anymore. Most likely my kids won't sleep at the same time of the day or something like that and that'll be it for my crafting (it won't be, I'll just have to figure something out so I can keep it)! That thought scares me. I took some time to ponder the reason why and I've realized it's because it's the only thing I do that is just for me. When I make things, I'm just Hannah. I'm not "mom" or "wife" or anything else. I can just be me! Maybe it's because before you have children, life is all about you. Even when you get married and have to share some of your time and all of that, you still get to think about you. As a mom, I don't think about my needs much. My family is who I am now. I can accept that. I love them and am glad to spend my time serving them! But, even moms need to think about themselves sometimes! I grew up with the most selfless mother in the world so my perspective is that living for your family is what a mom does! Even if it is beyond hard sometimes to do all that that entails. So, in writing this stuff, I'm not complaining. I am proud of having the titles of "mom" and "wife." I couldn't be more proud or happy! I am just "simply" admitting that sometimes I need to do things for myself. Sounds obvious enough (everyone needs that, right?) but, I know a lot of moms that would have a hard time admitting that (as I do)! We don't like to sound selfish. Or ungrateful. Or say anything remotely negative about being moms because it truly is the greatest blessing in the world! I know. I don't like to do it either. But, these feelings are not selfish...it's part of being a human. We need a sense of self and we all like to have something that makes us "us." So, if you're feeling like you have no identity, find something that allows you to venture into the many qualities that make you unique and wonderful! You don't have to give up everything to be a mom. You can still have hobbies and likes and adventures of your own! It doesn't make you less of a mom to do that. In fact, it sets a wonderful example for your children. No matter how old you get, talents should be built on and the adventures never have to end!
I'm not sure why I've been thinking about all of this stuff so much lately. I think that as I've been preparing to bring another beautiful girl into the world (especially so close to the first), I just want to have my attitude about things in order. I want to know what I really believe in and care about and think. I want to define what is important to me so that I can teach my children these things and make it a part of our lives. I want to decide what things I'd like to change or add in our lives. I've realized I want holidays to be fun for my kids! We're gonna do little crafts together or activities that relate to the holidays. I want everyday to be a day that we can do something special or learn something new. I want to let other peoples' opinions roll off of my shoulders instead of dwelling on them and letting them get to me. I want to let the little things go and just enjoy all of the (sometimes chaotic) moments in my children's lives! I want to be there for them in everything. I want to take pictures of everything and laugh at little messes they make as they play instead of worrying about the clean-up! I want to show them the beauty of being alive!! We will play outside, we will get dirty, we will make mistakes and learn from them! We'll all lose it sometimes, and that's ok. I want them to love Jesus and have strong testimonies. I want family to come first, always! I want them to be best friends and understand what that really means! I want a full, messy, crazy wonderful life!
We were sent here by a loving Heavenly Father so that we "might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:27) and I fully intend to be an example of how to have that joy. I know that there will be times where I will lose my cool and mess up and feel like I am failing at everything! Not every day is going to be easy or run smoothly. In fact, most won't. But, every day CAN be beautiful. I'm going to have two kids barely a year apart...I fully expect it to be overwhelming and there are days that I will probably cry as much, or more, than my little babies will haha but, I also fully expect that the time will fly by all too quickly! My beautiful kids are going to be grown before I know it, they only stay little for so long (and it's not long at all)! I don't want to waste that time skulking around feeling bad for myself or getting upset at others because life is just hectic and stressful and messy. Sure it is, but it's a beautiful mess I've gotten myself into :)
No comments:
Post a Comment