Have you ever been the victim of name-calling or hushed rumors spreading around the halls of your school? Of sitting alone at lunch and running to your room crying after school almost every day? No? Well, lucky you. Because I have. I know the feeling of going to school dejectedly, knowing that hardly anyone will lend a kind word your way. Thinking that you're alone and nobody likes you. So, I want to talk about that today.
When I was in elementary, I fell prey to a new girl who moved in during 3rd grade. Her name was Mariah and she had it out for me almost from the beginning. I'm not sure why, the only thing I know is that I told her once that having a sister for a cheerleader didn't mean she was popular and could get her way at our school. After that, it just seemed to go downhill. All of my "best friends" left to be one of her friends, because apparently she wouldn't be their friends if they were my friends too. I had a few of them who would only be friends with me "in secret." I took what I could get.
The rumors started spreading in 4th and 5th grade, I'm not going to delve into those but, if you know little kids, you can imagine what they might have said. It was by 5th grade that I didn't even really have "secret friends," all I had was a 2nd grader that my mom babysat and she wasn't old enough to be part of all the drama, so I had her. I remember one day, Mariah and one of her friends came up to me and hooked their arm in mine and said they wanted to play in the field with me. I went out there, thinking maybe my fortunes were looking up. After we had been out there for a little bit, I saw Mariah whispering some stuff into one of the other girls' ear. Then they had me follow them to the big sand pit where everyone held hands and played some game in a circle. But..no one would hold my hand, and they weren't subtle about it either. I didn't know what was going on. That was the first day the rumors spread and, after that, I was alone.
She was constantly dropping snide little comments around me. Like, "Nice shirt. Hang on, are you not even in a training bra yet?" (so, straight to the store with my mom I went) or this one time she brought a 6th-grader up to me and she said "Mariah said your eyelashes are really long and straight! Can you see them??" and one time it was snowing and she called it "Hannah's dandruff." Just pointing out "flaws" that I had never noticed and would never forget. I didn't have dandruff but they made me hate my hair and my eyelashes and my boobs and everything they could find to make a comment about!
I finally made some friends for myself the next year and things changed for me a little bit but, whatever things she said about me would never be unsaid. In 7th grade Mariah was in the locker above mine and it was a constant reminder, she wouldn't let me move on. Later on that year, my parents announced that we were moving and I was upset because I had finally made some good friends. But, after the fact and after a while, I realized that it was an amazing opportunity for me! I could start over. I wouldn't be stuck going to school with people that had gone through all those horrible years with me! I got to South Davis and people didn't know me. They didn't know what I had been through and I could get past it. And I did.
I look back on those years and I believe that the Lord chose that vulnerable and important turning point as an out for me. He inspired my parents to move to a wonderful neighborhood and a wonderful ward and school where I would come to feel loved and perfectly at ease in my world! That decision changed my life. I made friends and I found confidence. I believe that if we had stayed in the Clearfield of my childhood, I would have never escaped it. I was able to blossom into the person I was meant to be, and the person I was no longer scared of being!
Bullying is a real threat. Having gone through it, it's something I worry about a lot. I worry that my own children will face it too. That they will be made to feel small and insignificant by other children who for some reason feel the right to look down on others. Because some aren't so fortunate as to get away from it. Some people don't have a well-timed move to save them from further torture. Most the time, these people suffer in silence. I can tell you I never told my parents about it, at least I didn't tell them how much I was hurting, I don't even remember saying much at all. If I was crying, I probably just said, "oh nothing, it was just kind of a bad day."
You never know how your words or your deeds are affecting those around you. Maybe you were just having fun and teasing, no reason to take offense, right? Maybe it was just a bad day and you snapped without meaning to. Or maybe that person is just too different, they're used to being made fun of, it's not like your contribution could make much difference. Right? Well, I can't say that I agree with that logic. I mean, I'm no supporter of suicide in any situation but, I can see how someone might get so buried beneath all the hatred and mean-spirited words that they would feel like they have no way out. No mood or logic can make any form of bullying okay. Even if you didn't start it, you should never take part in continuing it, no matter the reason and no matter who it is.
There's a music video my husband showed me a while back that is about bullying. It shows a couple people getting picked on and slowly spiraling downward, needing a friend, anybody to just show them that they matter. One of them has a gun and one has pills, it flashes forward showing what their suicides would do to others. But, those people never made it known that it would hurt to lose them. Then it goes backwards to one simple action made that brought those two people out of the darkness. The boy had given his PlayStation away and the "friend" had said thanks and left without a backwards glance and later the friend had brought it back to play with him. Such a small act of kindness. Letting the boy know that he matters.
What a powerful message, the message that just one small act can turn it around for somebody. That even just a smile could make someone reconsider ending their lives!
So, smile at somebody today. Sit by somebody who's all alone and just needs somebody to show them that they're not invisible. Say hi to a stranger. Stand up for someone who's being picked on, even if you're scared of being picked on for doing so. Compliment someone that's working on a new talent, even if you don't think they sing that well or draw that well or whatever the case. Help someone pick up their books or get up after tripping up the stairs in front of a lot of people, imagine how embarrassed they might feel. Never laugh at someone's expense. Don't ignore those who are a little bit different than you. Refuse to be a part of bullying!
Be the type of person you want your children to grow up to be, because they're learning by watching how you actually treat others, not how you tell them to treat others. It all comes back to the Golden Rule, huh? "Treat others the way that you want to be treated." If we all followed that rule, there would be no child coming home crying because they felt alone and unloved. One of my favorite sayings is, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." So, enough with just saying in your head that someone should stop those people from picking on the boy, or whatever the case. Get up and tell them to stop! It may not change the way those people act completely, or maybe even at all, but it just changed everything to that boy.
You wouldn't remember me, but I also went to Doxey and was in your same grade. I was very much the same, I had only one friend who was an on and off friend at the best of times. I remember being bullied by Mariah, Sarah, Cody, and many of their friends. 5th and 6th grade were a living nightmare to me at that place. By the time I was in 7th grade I kept to myself and didn't get harassed by them again, but that is probably due to the fact that I became depressed and withdrawn, and even more to the fact that I grew like a weed that summer and was a good foot taller than everyone else. I know from my experience that being bullied changes a person. I used to be outgoing and social when I was younger; I now struggle to approach people and be more than a Facebook friend. I still remember you very well, I felt for the longest time that you didn't like me. One day during p.e. some kids were being mean to me, so I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom, I had to find some way to leave that class to get away from them. I ran into you when I got to the school building, you told me you were waiting for your mom to check you out of school. We both hung out and talked, it was really nice. I remember that so well because you were nice to me, not many people were--especially that day--but you were and I never forgot. I was always so hurt that nobody wanted to be my friend that I never took the time to seek out friendship from others; had I been more proactive, we might have even been friends. I'm sorry you were bullied, I really hope that I didn't contribute to the bullying you received, and I'm even more sorry I didn't extended a hand of friendship to you.
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